Making a start…the physical me.

Blogging is a completely new thing to me. By the time I had wrote that first sentence I had deleted it three times. This is quite important to me because I am setting myself a challenge. A challenge of opening up, being honest with myself and others, becoming more patient and opening my mind.

I will start off with the physical me. That is of course the me that exists in the world as we experience it. My name is Stephanie, my middle name is Jean after my Great Gran who my sisters and I call More Nanna. I’m quite proud of having her name, even though as a child I hated it.

I never liked my whole name until recently. I helps since I had the realisation that my name doesn’t actually define me as a person. Barely represents an image of me actually. For example, think of a “Karen”.. give it 30 seconds… think… visualise… keep thinking…

Following that from a very basic name you will imagine a person you either knew or never knew, simply based on  a few words. Now, I am Stephanie.

What do you see, what do you visualise? Give it 30 seconds before carrying on…

I personally don’t care. It is irrelevant to me what you think, whether that is of my name or of me. Reason being it is a temporary illusion you have been forced yourself to believe.. That may be an upsetting thought for some however to me it is exciting. Exciting because the world we live in is full of opportunities and possibilities that are laid out exclusively for us; we just don’t realise it yet. Anyway I digress and will return to this point at some magical point, for now back to the physical me; the me that people see or would describe when they saw/knew me. It will never match to the person that I am or aim to be. It doesn’t help that the person I aim to be will never be the person that you expect me to be. So we will always be at cross roads. But I’m ok with that as long as you have belief in me.

I do a job that I love, helping people into work. I’m also a massage therapist which I do for extra money.

I can tell I am always going to go off on a tangent; as I am writing my mind keeps going down different paths, but I guess as I am writing this for me and not to please you, I shall follow my train of thought.

It is funny how things always work out and that everything happens for a reason. When I left school I went to college and did psychology, sociology and health and social care. In my naïve impatience, I didn’t enjoy the H&S and didn’t enjoy silly module of psychology, so after my first year I left and went to do something more practical. I decided to do a course on massage and holistic therapies, something I had an interest in as I had done some reiki before, I guess I felt drawn towards it.

A year of being massaged and giving massages was ace. Anyway, my actual point was everything happening for a reason. As much as I enjoyed it, I didn’t see it adding any value to my life; until this year, 5 years after I qualified. Me and my partner split up, I needed to earn extra money to support myself and maintain the things I wanted to do. It all fell perfectly into place when I went freelance and was getting extra cash and enjoying what I do. It took away the stress of money, I was having fun doing it and I was meeting lots of interesting people. I say interesting because even with some of their strange quirks, it is always great to meet new people. Leading me swiftly onto my next chain of thought, another wonderful thing about the massage course was meeting my good friend Natalie. 

Natalie is one of those friends that you don’t need to have around all the time but will always, always be there when you need her. Natalie is an inspiration in herself, although she probably doesn’t recognise it. Despite everything she goes through, and she goes through some shit, she is always smiling and will always give you a pick me up if you need it. Natalie is the reason behind the name of my blog, “It is me”.

When we were at college, Natalie was going through a hard time. I will be honest, for some reason I struggle to understand that other people have problems, perhaps I don’t pay enough attention? Maybe I am just selfishly ignorant? But anyway, she had her problems and I was having some minor trouble myself, which I started to go on about. I realised and apologised, saying it was insensitive of me when her problems were much worse. As cool as chips she said that it was irrelevant what seemed worse, because to me it was important, which made it important. I don’t know if she knows the impact of those words but they changed my way of thinking forever. I have since shared the wisdom with others in the hope it will help them as much as it helped me.

Back to the physical me. I refer to it in that way as I believe we are more than the people we make ourselves out to be. We are more than our names, looks, families and possessions…we are everything that our mind observes - that includes everyone around us; people, technology, the earth, the sky, the universe. We create it all.

The physical me is quite happy in the world I live in. So as I sit here enjoying the simple things in life, such as good conversation whilst eating crackers with pate, blue cheese, Branston pickle and soured cream on (try before you judge - as you should with anything), I realise that it is perfectly ok to appreciate all this beautiful limitless world has to offer. Whether that is food, the people around you or specific experiences. It all has a purpose.

I intend on going further into the purpose of things and the purpose of people coming into our lives. It used to be a frustration for me why people come and go, but I soon accepted a basic truth which made handling this much easier.  I will also elaborate at a later date. My uncle has been a positive influence on the way I think. He is another that continues to smile despite life’s challenges and that is important. Ted introduced me to reiki and I am so grateful  for that.

This is going to be a personal challenge of mine which makes no sense since the thing I am best at is talking about myself. But what I mean by talking about myself is in such a way that is transparent. It is nerve wracking and strange, but I kind of like it.

Our lives are amazing and wonderful things. As soon as you start to see this, you will realise the world is your oyster. Now I realised funnily enough the reality of this through a weight loss programme. To me it was described as the harujuka moment…the moment things make sense to you in a personal way; the moment it all comes together. 

Now in the same way it was explained to me and I will share it at some point, it will also make sense to you. The difficulty with it is not expecting something to happen, not anticipating the moment, not coordinating  an action. It is allowing something to happen in its divine timing. Whenever that is, whether you like it or not, it will all fall into place.

Now I have gone off on what feels to me like many tangents…but to me this is important, so it is important. I have to remember that. What comes to my mind is my reality so it is essential I keep this in focus.

I wish everyone the best of luck on their journey’s. I love you all for reading this far and hope you will see deeper into me as this man made concept of time passes.

I have enjoyed writing this, whether it my first or my last. I intend it to be my first, but who know s what man made excuses I can come up with. I will be signing off with the pleasant notion that in a way I have released some inner thought processes that would have otherwise remained scooting around my subconscious mind. I would encourage anyone else to do the same if you have difficulty speaking, listening or being honest with yourself.

Take the plunge and start writing about whatever first comes to your mind. You will surprise yourself. This is not only relieving in the sense of just chatting away your thoughts, but it is also good in a way of just being heard. One of the main reasons I did this was to be heard, by way of talking to myself and others without any outside influence. In effect being honest. I think everyone deserves to be heard without prejudice and without judgement. If everyone did this once in a while in the world that we live in it would be a much more peaceful place.